No Secrets in Marriage
People are often surprised to find out the great lengths that Jennifer and I go to in order to keep no secrets from each other in our marriage.
Here are some of the things that work for us:
We keep a shared password vault, and we both have full access to all of the passwords in it. That includes all of our bank account information, every website login, the works. There are many good apps for that: LastPass has a free tier, but we use 1Password to do this in our family.
We keep a series of shared calendars, and we both have full access to everything on them. In a job like mine, where no two days look the same, having her know what’s going on at all times is invaluable. Google Calendar works well for our family (each of the six of us has our own calendar) but there are tons of free and paid options out there.
We share our realtime location with each other through iCloud at all times.
We have access to each others phone passcodes, and we’ve given each other blanket permission to look at them at any time if we’re ever worried. (And, I’m proud to say, that is permission that neither of us have ever felt the need to use.)
We have a policy that neither of us spends more than about $20 without discussing it with each other first. (Of all the rules, this is the one that we stretch a little bit, but only to hide good surprises like birthday presents or in situations where we’re confident the other person would agree.)
I know some people are thinking that this is too much transparency. But here is the key: when everything is wide open, then there is never a reason to doubt. If nothing could be hidden, there is never a reason to worry that something is being hidden. Being entirely open to your spouse this way isn’t restrictive, it’s liberating!
Now, that said, there are some things that don’t get shared. For example, confidential conversations from church obviously don’t get talked about, but the fact that I had a conversation with someone does.
In Mark 10:6-9 Jesus says:
“But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
We often think of that last part, “let no one separate,” as a warning to others. But keeping the “one flesh” connection of marriage strong starts with you and your husband or wife!
All in all, this has been an incredibly healthy thing for both of us, and Jennifer and I heartily recommend it to everyone.
